A Day in the Life of the Marginally (Un)Employed

UPDATE: End of Days Sooner than We Originally Thought...

2011-01-03T16:05:00.000-08:00

Oh those silly New Agers with their ridiculous theories and Mayan Calendars, don't they know the rapture is coming in like 4 months, 18 days (I'm not counting)? That's right people, according to WeCanKnow! JC is coming back May 21, 2011 to judge us all and then will destroy the world on October 21, 2011.

This prediction was close.

Is it really going to take him 5 months to decide who comes with him and who goes out with a bang? I could expedite the process for him, and start a list - sort of like Santa does... Honestly I wish I would have known about this sooner, because I would have went really big for Halloween last year. Last Halloween was like my off-year, I didn't have a good costume, I had a cold, I just was not feeling it. If only I would have known, last Halloween on earth! I would have rallied and splurged on that Lady Gaga wig.

I like her pants.

I guess I can toss out those New Year's Resolutions. Hey Mom, I don't need a job now, not if I'm going to be busy preparing for the rapture, which includes figuring out what I need to do to prepare for the rapture. For now I'm going to order some free bumper stickers, which one should I get:

I feel like this one is really male-centric, and I find it a bit off-putting. Like are they trying to say only men are going to be judged? And also does judgement day start at midnight on the 20th? Or noon on the 21st? I'm guessing midnight, which means I'm either drinking a bunch of coffee past my bedtime on the 20th, or I'm liable to sleep right through. And I don't want to miss this.

I think I'm partial to the Noah Knew sticker. I really enjoy the water motif.

Oh crap! I don't have a car, so it's sort of silly for me to get a bumper sticker...

Thank God, there is a Save the Date Calendar, I can use on my desk. Obviously it ends on May 21st, but actually shouldn't it end on October 21 the last day? I don't want to be judge-y, but they should get really try to get the dates right. I have a lot of planning to do. And at least one book to read.

Instant Best Seller!

The End of the World as We Know It...

2010-10-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

So, the other day I downloaded the warmly titled: End of World app for my iphone. Obviously it's going to happen sometime soon (I like to stay informed), plus the app was free. This particular app predicts December 21, 2012 as our last day on earth, which I'm fine with, but it only gives us: 798 days, 14 hours, 33 minutes, and 27 seconds (as of this posting). I better get busy.

Now I also read a particular disturbing account on the World Wide Web (!) that threatened, Snooki from Jersey Shore fame was to write a book. Whoa, I'm sorry I meant to say novel. Did she receive an MFA between pickles?

Question: Are the two linked?
Answer: Quite possibly.

P.S. For the 2 people...wait, I'm sorry, the 1 person (you know who you are) who asked when I was going to "blog" again...here it 'tis. And thanks for caring.

Psssss....Simon & Schuster, pardon my French, but what the F*ck are you thinking? Ursula Le Guin is about to go down to the Shore and kick some serious ass.

It Begins and Ends with Shoddy Medical Care

2010-06-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

So imagine my surprise when Indian Dr. Clooney bursts in the exam room with a cast in hand, and then asks, “so, how you doing?”

“Okay...”

Then he puts the cast beside me on the exam table, and picks up this mini-circular saw and starts wielding it towards the table, towards me.

“Just making an adjustment...”

I lean away.

“You might want to move.” Not so much a suggestion as a foregone conclusion, as he was already sawing away.

I hopped as quickly as a broken-footed patient can from a elevated exam table, and waited in the corner on my one good foot. As the non-ventilated room echoed with the grating sound of the saw cutting through the plaster, I thought he should have at least offered me safety googles.

This cast was not for me.

He left the room and a small pile of white powder where I had been sitting moments ago, which then reminded me of my dream early this morning (after the puking dog woke me up in the middle of the night and I fell asleep for about 15 minutes before my alarm went off).

I was sitting on this bed with an overweight middle eastern guy who opens a big brick of cocaine and has me smell it. Unfortunately I wake up before I can sample the goods. And then I am reminded of yet another way Sex in the City 2 has damaged and penetrated my sleep-deprived psyche (I could go on and on about that disaster of a motion picture, but that's for another time).

Later I had physical therapy, and naturally there was an eager-eyed intern following us around. What's with all the interns?

After that my favorite pen exploded all over my hands, it was one of those nice $7 ones. Naturally I was in my car with no napkins, or tissues. Now I look like I work on cars all day, or I'm responsible for cleaning up the oil spill.

Then there was a dog fight towards the end of my evening.

Poor little Elliot, 2 puncture wounds to the chest.

A trip to Animal ER, one cracked-out-late-shift-long-haired vet, and a hefty bill later: I might never get sleep or proper medical care in this country, canine or otherwise.

Another Reason I Find Stephenie Meyer Utterly Distasteful

2010-05-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

Well, let's be honest there is definitely more than one reason.

Today in particular I'd like to focus on the fact that you can't google the word, “twilight” and not see 50 google pages devoted to Twilight the book, or Twilight the movie. What if I was a foreigner, like say I was from Arizona and wanted to know what the word twilight meant, because maybe I read it in an actual book by a real writer, and all I got was pictures of vampires. This would be utterly confusing and I would forever walk (before Border Patrol tackled me and send me back down south) around associating a fascinating time of the evening with vampires. If I was on facebook I would start a group to eradicate any and all twilight/vampire associations from the popular lexicon.

But I am just one person with a solitary dream.

This was the twilight I was seeking:

A Perfectly Awful Start to a Week, and Everything Wrong with our Healthcare System

2010-05-05T12:23:00.000-07:00

First, I bought a fancy racing bike – even though I'm not a bike racer. It's real pretty and fast. I'm a safe, courteous biker, unlike the masses of angry, law-braking (that's a funny pun) bikers here in SF (sorry it's true! I've seen y'all in action).

Anyways, Sunday night I'm biking to the mission, and very careful to avoid the train tracks around Church street, but like a sick cosmic magnet my tire falls into the tracks and I fall down.

BOOM. BAM.

Well, more like I fell over with my feet still clipped to my pedals.

Lucky for me this happened at a busy intersection across the street from a café, so numerous hipsters could bear witness to this tragedy.

As I lay in street bruised, broken, and totally humiliated two nice gay men picked up my bike and then me.

After I limped and cried half a block to my destination, I called my father, the doctor, who encouraged me to ice and elevate my foot. Two days later still in pain and unable to walk I experienced the complete and utter ridiculousness that is our health care system.

Let me break down how the medical profession likes to treat people with a broken foot:

See doctor on the 5^th floor.

Gimp down to the 4^th floor for an x-ray.

Take x-ray back up to 5^th floor.

Diagnosis – your foot is messed up (sorry dad, she's right!).

Gimp over to reception.

Make appointment with Othro.

Gimp home.
Gimp back to othro with xray in hand.

(Note: this is not my foot, although we both did bust up our 5th metatarsals)

Othro doctor introduces me to his residents (yes multiple) – he thinks he's Indian George Clooney in ER's heyday. Twists my poor, swollen foot to and fro while saying blah - medical words - blah, blah to his captive female audience, as I try not to pass out/release my last meal from the pain.

Tells me I might need surgery and to come back in a week.

Another man gives me directions to place to pick up boot and crutches.

Place does not have boot or crutches.

Find out no place has boot or crutches.

Get boot at Othro office.

Get crutches from friend.

Go to Starbucks, with my xray.

Another Fantastic Week to be Marginally Employed

2010-04-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

Why, you ask?
Let me count the ways...
I started the week awakened by the sounds of a mariachi band outside the window, totally random and amazing.

Then I went outside in a t-shirt without fear of getting frostbite that could later lead to gangrene or other unsightly condition. I got a coffee at the corner, listened to the music and then went about my day.

I sort of looked like that, sort of.

Then I did some other stuff.

I wrote some pointless stuff that no one will read, I thought about writing stuff that people would read, and I generally tried to channel positivity, or at least think about channeling some positive shit.

Then in the middle of the week, I went to a lovely charity event.
Where mostly naked girls wrestled each other in a ring of water-based lube.

There was a pretty substantial crowd so I did not see much, but I imagine it was as challenging as carrying a giant corn up an escalator.

Then this morning I got an email from my dad with more evidence that I will soon grace of the cover of VOGUE. You can't be a fashion icon your whole life without that being an eventuality.

I hope no one is too jealous of my matching top and shorts comic strip ensemble.

Goodbye Facebook, or Why I Quit You.

2010-02-23T18:43:00.000-08:00

This feels like a break-up of sorts. I feel like I need to explain myself. It's been 4 days since I became facebook free. You know, I thought I'd be a little empty inside. Thought the detox would be painful, the withdrawal substantial. There were other times I tried quit, tried to stay away. Each time lasted hours, once a few days.

This time was different.

This time I deactivated, which wasn't easy. As soon as I took the first step, they tugged at my heartstrings, If you leave Nikki will miss you! Send her a message before you go. Nikki's profile picture stared longingly back at me. Then Annie popped up, and Amy, and Liz. They want you to stay!

No, I clicked continue. Then facebook wanted to know why: did I spend too much time there, was I unhappy about something, was there another reason? I clicked: other. Then continue. Another dialogue box popped up, but why? Why did you chose other? Please explain. I'd rather now not say. They promised I could come back anytime, they would be waiting, my spot would be held.

I wanted to tell them this was not my original plan. I never wanted to leave.

It started as a necessary cleanse in the beginning of the week. Deleting those few high school acquaintances whose Jesus Saves!, abortion murders baby angels, and bible-quoting updates were no longer that funny and ironic to recite and make fun of, because they were actually being serious. Once the deleting started, I decided couldn't take another “friend” joining a group like, I'll vote for Palin in 2012 (also not ironic), or Let's see if this poodle in a tinfoil hat can get more fans than Glenn Beck!, or I'm glad I can see my ex got fat after we broke-up!

Maybe it was the incessantly inane status updates and my inability to not check them constantly, either on my computer or my iphone. Maybe it was conundrum of blocking certain friends' feeds because of their constant updating, and then having nothing interesting to look at in my news feed. Maybe it was the addiction to farmville, gathering more and more neighbors so I could keep expanding my property. Maybe there was no one interesting left to stalk. Maybe I did not want one more former high school classmate peering into my adult life when we had had zero contact since graduation, and aside from clicking “confirm as a friend” zero contact since.

I started thinking: What do these people do all day that they can constantly update their status, join groups, or ask for more nails so they can finish their horse stable on farmville? Why do I give a shit and waste even 5 seconds of my day reading about someone making a grilled cheese for their kid, or being stuck in traffic (obviously they didn't take the Oprah oath about texting and driving), or I'm in Maui and it's so great I'm updating my facebook status. I sort of thought about how the whole world might stop on it's axis because 89% of the workforce is updating their status, uploading pictures, joining groups, playing games, or worse facebook instant messaging.

I had what I would like to label as an “unconscious slip-up” occur in the past 4 days. Typing a URL into my web browser I automatically starting typing: www.fac – then I stopped myself. If I had any doubts deactivating was the right choice, I knew then and there I had been in too deep. My fingers have a muscle memory I now must work everyday to correct.

I've received some confused texts: ummm...I can't find your Facebook page? Why can't I send you a farmville gift. Can you send me another sheep? Do you hate me? Why did you delete me? Are we in a fight?

I started to rethink my decision, should I reactive and update my status: I'm leaving facebook, I still like most of you, find me in the human world if you would like to interact. But, I stayed strong, stayed away. I've started to read before bed again, something I haven't done since I expanded my farm to a plantation.

Sure I'll miss out on certain things, won't know the every move of every person remotely connected to my life, but I realized I'm ok with that. I'll survive not knowing the girl I once sat next to in home room hates finding out her roommate incorrectly uses the word copulate, or a former co-worker wishes the rain would stop, or an individual I (once) respected enjoyed the Twilight series.

If I had a status update it would be:

Hello world – I've missed you.

Here Comes Holiday Time!

2009-11-29T12:11:00.000-08:00

Who else is sick of Thanksgiving leftovers and Twilight?
::::single hand raised:::::

As the Entertainment Weeklys pile up in our bathroom, I am becoming thoroughly convinced that the whole world has gone mad. There is only one person to blame for all of this: Stephenie Meyer.

Stephenie Meyer, have you given much thought to what your mormon teachings about the undead have done to our already unstable society? Not only is your writing (at best) an assault on the literary community at large, but now you've created an empire of poor-taste-or-no-taste-faux-blood-sucking followers. I could really go on and on, but I'm going to the SFMOMA in a few minutes, so I'll just wrap this up on a positive note.

This nameless, wonderful girl has given me hope that the whole wide world has not gone completely crazy. So this holiday season I give thank to you and your middle finger directed at R-Patz, which I see as an obvious extension of Stephenie Meyer.

Thank you!

Oh this was my halloween costume, nothing fancy - just keeping it real.

Feminist Outrage & I Believe I was Framed!

2009-10-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

This incident occurred November 9, 1989.

Please see Exhibit A:

First of all, I feel like Exhibit A is without context, and clearly the story portrayed by bus driver #41 Russell J____ is not only a wholly inaccurate picture, but an obfuscatory tactic to protect the true guilty party in the bus window breaking incident.

Russell J_____ claims, I (I, being a 10-year-old, very small girl - see Exhibit B) was guilty of two offenses. The first was that despite the cold weather, "don't open" rule I opened the window. The second being, opening the window involved smashing it.

What this report fails to report is the 2 other individuals that sat in the back of the bus with me. These were 2 brothers, one of whom I believe is now dead (RIP) - but I could be wrong about that, either way he isn't talking. The other one is not the type of boy a girl would wish to look up, and re-connect with. Therefore, you are going to have to take my word for it.

If memory serves me correctly they were either completely and totally, or at least partially responsible for this incident, and blamed me. Russell J____ could have been in cahoots with them, forcing me to take the fall. As the report illustrates, this was my first offense therefore my sentencing would be lighter than for say, 2 boys who were known locally to be quite rambunctious.

And why in god's name would I want to open a bus window in the dead of a freezing Wisconsin winter? I didn't start smoking until I was eleven, so this really makes no sense whatsoever.

I hope Russell, the 2 brothers (or just the 1 that's still alive), and the male principle are ashamed of themselves. One look at my 50lb frame would indicate my involvement in this "destruction of property" was an impossibility. But these men all chose to turn a blind eye, and blame me.

Please see Exhibit B to drive my point home.

Exhibit B:

OPEN LETTER TO KANYE WEST

2009-09-15T22:11:00.000-07:00

Hey Kanye -

I don't know if I'm the only one who is absolutely outraged by your misuse of the words medulla oblongata in the new Kid Cudi remix of Poker Face, but I cannot stay quiet any longer. Just because something rhymes does not give you the latitude to spread serious misinformation to the general public about brain functions. Plus, you do a grave disservice to colleges everywhere. I'm throwing my hands up in the air at this point, so let's take a look at your lyrics:

So, that explain why I love college
Gettin' brain in the library cause I love knowledge
When you use your Medulla Oblongata
And give me scoliosis until I comatoses

Ok, first of all you use your Medulla Oblongata to breathe, and do other involuntary functions - I believe you were actually referring to the frontal lobe, but I guess that doesn't rhyme with your other grammatical incorrect phrases.

I think there needs to be some sort of pie chart created that shows the correlation between intelligent, meaningful lyrics, and random words that just seem to rhyme in your raps. I have a feeling the latter far outweigh the former.

Kanye, I've had a long day so I'm not going to delve further into this, but this subject will be revisited, and it will be re-examined very soon I promise.

Sincerely,
Binny
(and a friend of Oprah)

PS Don't get me started on the scoliosis portion - I mean really this is a serious and painful spinal condition, and you are walking around with your ridiculous haircut while people are auditorily offended by your non-knowledge of the working brain.

Why Old People Should NOT Use Facebook, or I have Far too much Time on my Hands...

2009-08-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently Tracy has not learned how to: 1. Change her privacy settings, 2. Send a message (it's just like an email Tracy!), 3. Play hard to get.

God Tracy! Now the whole world knows how desperate you are, and what does your fiancé think about you hooking up with Michael? I find it wildly inappropriate, and just want everyone to know where I stand.

Career Advice from my Mother

2009-08-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

So appealing to Oprah isn't doing anything, which may have more to do with the fact that I just speak out loud to her in the hopes my small voice will travel half-way across the United States and into her Harpo Studio ear via THE SECRET. Applying to every job imaginable did not work. Getting an MFA did nothing. And lying on my resume, like not seriously lying, but sort of making a lot of shit up, does not seem to help. Now I did not ask my mom for career advice, but after another phone call of me whining and complaining, she decided to take matters into her own hands. Here is the sageness that was administered moments ago:

Mom: Honey, I read this NY Times article, and I wished I saved it, but it said that some boy, who was having trouble finding a job, sent in a cartoon with his resume, and now he works at the company! Maybe you could do something like that.

Me: I can't draw.

Mom: Well, it's worth a try. It certainly worked for him.

I'll save you the trouble of clicking on the link above and reading the article. First of all this happened like a decade ago, while I was still in high school, and second - this guy is totally annoying. And most importantly he got his job from faxing a short story to a movie executive, which leads me to believe my mother did not really retain the most essential message from the article. What would be more interesting is how this guy got the movie exec's fax number - maybe if he could pass it out, or any executive's fax number who has enough time in their day to read short stories from unknown individuals that land in their fax trays, or inboxes, or whatever the fax machine components are called.

Here's a picture of me having a job:

Well ok, I actually have no desire to look into anyone's mouth like ever, for any reason, but I like this woman's style.

Thanks for nothing mom!

Another Day in the Life of the Marginally Employed

2009-08-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you are sick of applying for jobs on craigslist??

Go to CANDYLAND, of course.

Then, since you have absolutely nothing to lose:

You cross over to the chocolate swamp, and remain there happily until the security guard behind you rushes towards you like you have your hand on the bank vault, and chases you off the colorful path to the sidewalk with all the lay-people and their offspring.

I like to live dangerously.

And the Search Continues...

2009-06-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

What's more depressing than being unemployed and sending out endless resumes and cover letters to no avail?

I don't know, what could possibly be worse you might ask.

Well I will tell you.

Going to a temp agency downtown when it is windy outside and you almost don't fit quite right into your old work clothes, and being forced to watch a 16 minute and 41 second video about the importance of 1. using a handrail to walk down stairs, 2. only opening 1 file cabinet door at a time, 3. not placing hot, spillable liquids near your computer, and 4. having already watched the video about 8 months ago at the same temp agency in San Diego. As if being there is not bad enough. Oh, did I mention I'm about to hit what most consider a milestone-ish birthday in about 6 days...

I'm trying to focus on the positive, like I just got new carpet -- horray! Luckily I have about 17 hours a day just to lie on it, create carpet-angels, and dream about Oprah.

Yep, life is grand.

I suppose if I had a bunch of friends and we went to church group, that's what making a carpet angel could look like.

Where do baby oysters come from? And other thoughts of the marginally employed...

2009-04-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday or maybe it was the day before, or the day before that - I find it almost impossible to keep the days straight lately, some days I wake up early and some days I lie in bed, and then get up. It really does not matter. The point is A and I went to Point Reyes this week.

The sun was shining and we drove up the coast, stopping in a town, the name escapes me, for some cheese and a baguette, and a small container of olives before we stopped at a restaurant for lunch. The service was terrible, like the waitress finally took our order after 15 minutes and brought us drinks and then turned on the fan above us creating a dust storm. Large chunks of gray debris littered our table, but when the BBQ oysters finally came, they were OMG worthy.

After a dirty, but satisfying meal we keep driving until we hit a secret little beach, and since no one reads this I will not tell you the name. We hiked down and spent a bit of time basking in the glorious sunshine and nibbling on bread and cheese.

The beach did not really look like this, but I thought the picture was pretty.

News Bits

2008-08-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

House apologizes for slavery, 'Jim Crow' injustices

Wow, just the title is enticing.
Let me paraphrase for all you ADDers:

Dear African-Americans,

Us white folks realized the other day that enslaving your ancestors was not nice. We apologize! Sorry for that, and all the fucked up repercussions that continue as a result of slavery and all that Jim Crow stuff. That was totally our bad, and in the future we will try to act better.

xox,
the elected white men

(Back in April the House also said sorry to the few remaining Native Americans: sorry for killing off your people, stealing your land, and destroying your way of life!)

So, looks like everyone is completely even now.

Where have I been or Monday Misery...

2008-07-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you.
Every morning I wake up, shower, dress, and put on my nametag (I wish I was kidding) and in get my car and head to work.
Then I die a little bit inside.

There's good and bad news:

Bad news first:
a mysterious rash has appear above my right breast, like a triangular redness. Is it irritation from my body wash, a sunburn, or some sort of sign from God that I should stay home today?

Good new now:
Yesterday I went to the race track and won BIG TIME!

After I won I promptly bought myself a present:

Maybe the rash is related to that?

Day 12 with a J.O.B.

2008-06-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

Whoa...that's right someone has a job, albeit a temp job - that's still a job.

What do I do for 8 and a half hours a day?

Click, clack up and down long hallways...smile at old people, and make copies.
Oh I also check my email a lot...I mean a TON and read the Times.

My paycheck is exactly $100 more than my little unemployed friend gets paid every week.

I'm trying to figure out how to get laid off.

Emailing to my Demise...

2008-05-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

It's day something or other, and I just found out you can't un-send an email once you've clicked send. BUT, what if you didn't actually click send? What if you clicked something else on the keyboard, unintentionally and all of a sudden, mid-sentence your email disappeared into the nefarious black void of cyberspace?

You still cannot get it back...now it is gone, and now you will never get a job because people think you're an idiot.

I thought about sending other email explaining the first email, but who wants to hire someone who doesn't even know how to email?

I want the job when you get to ride bicycles all day and figure out what is uncomfortable. Like I'm not so into bikes, but that seems like a good job. And there is the forced exercise component - a plus.

Email will be the demise of us all (not me, because I am on to them!).

Email, text messages, blackberries...no one needs to be in constant contact with the rest of humanity in that manner, it isn't healthy. Nor is unemployment.

Thanks for nothing Oprah.

Amazing Video Starring...

2008-05-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favorite Elliot!!!

This is NUTS?!

2008-05-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Check this out: The officials at Maxim have concluded that Heidi Montag is hotter than Lauren Conrad.

Heidi Montag...ewwwwwwwwwww...she's only 21 and has already been majorly surgerically enhanced.

Not to mention she hangs with the biggest tool since Federline.

Lauren Conrad...not exactly hot but at least she's au natural + doesn't hit it with douche la rouches!

Dear Maxim,

Normally I'm a big fan...but frankly, the fact that either of these two blond trolls made your list is a lot disappointing. I can't lie.

Former Fan,
Me

Day 98...Chips and Hot Dogs

2008-05-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

Oh my god! If this was Survivor I would have won by now or at the very least lost all my baby fat.

It's not like it's been a solid 98 days -- there was at least 20-some-odd days of actual physical labor. well, not actual labor, but laborious work. And I've been blogging, which is work. And I've been staring at my computer screen - this is very arduous on my fragile eyeballs.

And wait!! I was counting weekends - so it's actually 64 days - but I was working for those 3 weeks in April - so 49 days.

49 49 49 49 49
much better than 98

98 was only my hook.

My hot dog is getting cold.

This is what is wrong with the litigious world we live in...

2008-05-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

But, it's also sorta awesome!

So, Lesbo Islanders are suing over the term lesbian - wait... lesbo islanders...hehehehe.
They don't want gay right groups using the term "lesbian" to describe gaywads.
Uh folks, the term was coined about 276 years ago - they need to read my blog or at least read the paper.

Lesbians are old news, (see Sappho circa 7th century) but apparently the lesbians of the Island of Lesbos are not necessarily gay lesbians, but just plain old Greek Lesbians and are "being disgraced around the world" - by this connotation.

I feel for them, really I do - how horrible to be grouped in with a bunch of lesbos when you're not a big fat lesbo!

I'm usually grouped together with white people, but deep inside I feel very oppressed and marginalized.
Ok, I'm going to go back to being unemployed, playing video games, and of course being oppressed by the people from the Island of Lesbos.

Peace Biatches!

Check me out here:

2008-05-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

I just started a serious blog-type thing:

http://hubpages.com/profile/Binny

You can get up-to-the-minute stories on current events happening in your neighborhood and around the world, transcribed into beautiful poetry by yours truly.

Yesterday I made: $1.57 - yes, you read correctly - one dollar and 57 cents.
Basically, I am on my way to becoming a multi-millionaire and I suppose I have Oprah to thank for that.
I'd like to take a moment and say, thank you Oprah!

Otherwise I'm still unemployed, but getting into shape by playing wii tennis by myself.

I'm not in the picture but if I had unemployed friends, or even friends, that is the type of fun we'd be having!

Thanks for nothing people!

OPEN LETTER

2008-04-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah and/or Universe,

Hi! I hope you're having a super fantastic day!

I've been reading your O magazine and on occasion have watched your television program. Now you have all these people writing into your magazine, I told the universe I wanted a husband and now I'm engaged to be married. This lady Gloriana (I don't think you can make up names like that) wrote about making a list of what she wanted and three months later..."I found the love of my life...My now finance exhibits every single one of the qualities I wrote down..." There are many more quotes similar to this.

My question: WTF? Fo reals?

But the new and improved me (for no particular reason) has decided to not be cynical and give it a try.

Now I don't want a husband, but a job would be nice.

These are the job qualities I desire:
1. something personally edifying and maybe even inspirational (to myself and others, of course)
2. co-workers of the intelligent kind
3. it's my understanding I can't ask the universe for money...maybe a good 401k? or just a good location - is that a superficial request?
4. finding a job soon - that is also important
5. doing something that's creative, fun, and something I like - I like to do things I like.
And not necessarily in this order, but not having that much time on my hands I cannot be bothered to prioritize.

I guess that's my list of job traits that are important to me. Salary is also important, but I can't ask the universe/Oprah for everything!

Ok, if you could send me an ETA in an email that would be really great.

Say hi to Gayle for me :) And in the immortal words of the beatles, you don't have to hide your love away. Just something to think about tonight when you two luxuriate in a bath filled with hundred dollar bills.

Love,
Binny

M.I.A.

2008-04-29T01:26:00.000-07:00

Last night we attended a M.I.A. concert:

As we walked down the sidewalk, past the two blocks long line, it was as if we entered a time warp. Rewind to the 1980s at the height of very bad fashion...very bad - when people didn't know any better, in other words: there was no excuse for what we witnessed. Like not even leg warmer cute, but tank tops badly cut, hideous headbands, lots of aesthetically offensive colors, and poor coordination decisions. Naturally I pretty much looked like a 12 year old boy with jeans, Vans, and a t-shirt. But at least I appeared to be from planet earth.

There was an interesting opening band, aptly named Holy Fuck, think white computer geeks bouncing around, hunched over electronic equipment, and pressing buttons.

As soon as MIA got on stage the pushing and shoving ensued. Something I hadn't seen or tasted before: an Asian boy with dreadlocks, swinging in front of me. That was nice...I thought I may have a mini-panic attack with all the unwanted body contact, the smell of sweat, and general chaos. And as if she read my mind, M.I.A had her people spray the crowd with M16s filled with cheap vodka. Cleansing and disinfecting us - how thoughtful, until my right eye got caught in the stream.

It was a fun concert if you liked to be trapped in a hot room with a bunch of uncoordinated, drunken white San Diegians, who insist on taking camera phone pictures. What is up with that? No event can transpire anymore without it being documented by some idiot. How many pictures could dreadlock Asian boy take of his friends and M.I.A? Let's just say I caught most of the concert in his viewfinder. People are stupid.

Day 23...

2008-04-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

It's been over 3 whole weeks of being alcohol and drug free! The only foreign chemical I have been ingesting is my daily Flintstone vitamin, well my generic brand vitamin, because unemployed people cannot be choosy with their multi-vitamins.

Do I feel good not drinking? In the mornings I don't feel hung over.
Are my friends supportive? No, they encourage me to drink so they don't feel like such alcoholics.
I have achieved clarity? No, I'm gonna give it to day 25 to see if that happens.

These are questions I imagine my vast readership might have - if you have more questions feel free to post them on my comment board.

I am back in SD - and it is freakin' hot up in this piece! Yesterday I retrieved the canine companions from their holiday hotel. The hotel staff was nice enough to bathe them. There is hair everywhere, which will make vacuuming later all the more satisfying.

this is about as insightful as one can be on a Monday, so I'll let you ponder all this for a while.
Also, I will leave you with yet another photo from dad's photo restoration project.
Below you will notice I am in what looks like a crane, and that is correct:

Who knew?!

2008-04-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

This clip is utterly amazing: lesbian teenage alien kiss cures acne!

Let's review, this is what's been going on with me:
1. I'm off the sauce - I feel strangely good (but only at this particular moment, as I am also eating pizza)
2. I'm temporarily employed - working for 2 weeks, getting paid a lot to do nothing - just how I like it!
3. Still in SF.
4. Got new shoes, but I think already covered that.
5. That's all I got.

It's Friday night and I think I'm developing that typing disease again.

Cha-Chiing!

This is what is wrong with SF

2008-04-11T18:34:00.000-07:00

I was rightfully crossing the street, near Haight, and almost got ran down in the crosswalk by a bunch of over-privileged-white-dreadlocked-motherfucking hippies in their Pruis.

They looked sort of like this:

I called them assholes! Even though I was on the phone with my mom.

Have a nice days, biatches!

Two Awesome Things

2008-04-11T15:58:00.000-07:00

Dancing and singing ferrets:

Shoes I just bought:

OH NO!

2008-04-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

The ladies are leaving Lifetime...what the hell am I going to watch all day?

Things could be worse...

2008-04-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

This could be you.

The Pregnant Man!

2008-04-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

Am I the only one not shocked by this story?
He's a man - he's pregnant so what.
Now, if this man got pregnant, that would be shocking:

My boyfriends are coming to Town!

2008-04-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

don't be too jealous.

I hate Everyone

2008-04-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

Target is stupid. They won't let me change my address over the phone, so I yelled at multiple people. Displacement is Fun!

Paris fell down and went BOOM!

aaaaaaaaah hahahahahaha!

OMG! Get me to NYC Friday...it is happening!!!

2008-03-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

And soon my life will be complete.

Finding Motivation on a Monday

2008-03-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

So being unemployed and having absolutely NO ONE respond to the 3 resumes I sent out over the past 2 months is DEPRESSING!
Instead of taking drastic measures, like exercising outside or visiting a temp agency, I decided to search for some inspiration elsewhere.
Motivational Posters.
I found a few that I'd like to share.
FEAR: Is that what is stopping me?

No, I love rollercoasters.

These two just made me feel good about being me.

I'm the one on the end with the pink panties, gosh my hair looks good!

Semi Precious Weapons

2008-03-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

We went to San Diego Indie Music Fest yesterday.
In a word, totally lame.
The "beer garden" was in a parking lot and had a maximum capacity of about 13 people. I wish I was joking.

The only redeeming moments came from Semi Precious Weapons, this glam rock band from NYC. They were totally amazing!

We even hung out with them for a bit during another show, and they were the nicest guys.
So, check their shit out: myspace.com/semipreciousweapons

Further Security Measures

2008-03-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

For those of you needing more "hands-on" protection, consider this:

Right now he comes in carmel and latte colors.

To put my own mind at ease I got this last week:

If you still are having trouble getting shut eye - here's a news flash:
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER IS COMING BACK!!!

And she'll kick your ass.

Today desperation smells like a facelift!

2008-03-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is day trillion and 4 of being unemployed.

I am considering applying for a job at a "cosmetic surgery office." They want a resume and a picture - I'm already feeling a discrimination vibe. When I say considering I mean, I'm writing in my blog about it. Which could explain why I still have no job...

You may ask why do I need a job, please see below:

Better save than sorry.
You can thank me later, it even has a microwave!

The Hills - like you've never seen it!

2008-03-25T17:17:00.001-07:00

I don't know if you're a Hills fan (loser), but check this shit out:

Pretty amazing shit!

The Salton Sea

2008-03-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

We went to the desert this weekend to look at wild flowers - save your senior citizen commentary.

Anyway the Salton Sea sounded like it would be cool,

but that's what it looked like.

Creepy.

But we did meet two nice men, who shared their 40s with us:

Score!

This is not FAIR!!

2008-03-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

Unless you've been living under the same rock as that blonde chick at Starbucks, you've heard of Spitzer's high-priced lover: Ashley Dupre.

Thank you US Magazine for your enlightening slide show, here's a taste:

Hey Ashley, Jennifer Collidge called, she wants her lips back. thanks.

That was just aside. Here is the REAL story.
That A-Hole Girls Gone Wild Joe Francis offered Ashley $1 million to pose for his new magazine - but then rescinded the offer when he perused his archives and found he already had her on file!
See below:

That poor girl exploited, forced into VIP prostitution, and denied $1 million - she just wants to sing. This is not right.

It reminds of the time I visited Twatt.

My Future Boyfriend

2008-03-19T13:28:00.000-07:00

Don't be jealous! Forehead tats are really starting to take off. He even looks hot in his mug shot.

I mean ask my future father-in-law, the pioneer in forehead tattoos, with the seminal "Git -R-Dun."

These gentlemen are WAY ahead of their time. Light years beyond the rest of us.

I don't want to brag...but, even as a young child I too strove to have facial art garner the social significance and acceptance in mainstream society, as well as in the post-modern art world, that it deserves.
Here is me (making waves, so to speak) at the county fair:

This is disturbing...

2008-03-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

Today I flipped up the visor in my sweet ride and read this:

What does that mean?
Someone please explain.

Two Reasons Why San Diego SUCKS

2008-03-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

1. I am addicted to Resident Evil IV

More on that later...(Got to get back to game and blow that lady's head off - the aggression is starting...aaahhhhhh).

2. Do you know who this person is?

Hint: She has a CD for sale at Starbucks. Now to me that would say, mainstream. Duh.

I'm talking to you blond lady with the non-fat decaf latte, (aka why bother!).
Is it a man or woman? she asks her co-worker, as she holds up the CD for the world to see.
"It" ??
It is fucking KD Lang. Moron.

I don't know if she knows or not, but I believe the universe is punishing her and that is why she is fat with absolutely no fashion sense.

Question of the day:
Should people like that be pitied or smacked?

Time to put some Baileys in your Coffee!

2008-03-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

This morning I took a dip in the green Chicago River:

Brrrrrrrrrrr!

Did anyone else see this new candidate in the paper this morning?:

Hot.

Pretty sick...

2008-03-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

Present I got this weekend:

It's made of bamboo, because I am environmentally conscious.
Watch out world - I'll be rollin' by!
WOOHOO!

F* You Starbucks!

2008-03-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

I have been jobless for exactly 43 day - that's counting weekends.

Therefore, I can no longer afford a daily Starbucks Black Tea Lemonade.

Yesterday I spent some time in the kitchen perfecting my own starbucks recipe and I almost severed my left thumb with a potato peeler. So, it's time to leave the kitchen folks!

This is what the peeler looked like:

You may ask, what does a potato peeler have to do with lemonade? Nothing. I was making soup.

DECISION 2008 cont'd (Traveling further back in Time...)

2008-03-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

HOLD THE PHONE!

We have a late entry into Decision 2008:

#4 (in a patriotic pose)

Side View:

Here's a little bit about candidate #4 : she is just trying to get her hair through the door.

Let's remember: not all bangs are straight.

The Polls are open.

The BEST of the 90s are BACK!!!!!

2008-03-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

This just in!

My absolute favorite band EVER: the New Kids on the Block are supposedly planning a comeback. OOOOOOOO, it would so make all my dreams complete!

If you aren't already hyperventilating, there is talks that a 90210 spinoff is in the works...

Please God, let Brenda and Dylan get back together!!

I wonder what is going on in Dylan's pocket...

Hangin' Tough!

Decision 2008

2008-03-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

Choices:

1.

2.

3.

Let me tell you a little bit about the candidates.
#1. Has an impressive head of hair.
#2. Apparently does not give head.
#3. Is completely out of her mind.

Please leave you comments below, so we can award the victor.

Haircut ideas...

2008-03-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

Wait a second!
How did Liz get in there??
(bottom left, for those of you who are slow or just don't know)

Daily update (for the two people who care):

Today I went to Starbucks for almost two hours! I had to wait for my drink for about 15 minutes, and since I was polite + patient (I got nowhere to be) the girl gave me a free drink. The rest of the time I worked on what will be the greatest American novel ever written. Until some cracked-out-white-boy had to sit directly in back of me - there were like 5 people total in the place!

I don't like creeps peeking over my shoulder.

Vote Hillary 2008! WOOHOOO!

Start a Revolution!!

2008-03-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

Fuck you Angelina Jolie!

You are the epitome of what is wrong with America. Okay, so you're some type of "ambassador" which ostensibly involves doing more than posing with young, skinny African children (?? - that is questionable...).

Yours is a shameful message that toys with the hearts and minds of (former) lesbians and bisexuals, cutters, individuals who like to express their love in their own blood, and Jennifer Aniston.

Example: you said, "I would never be with a married man," but you would have his child. Can no one do math in this country?

The message you send is: be sexy, crazy, hedonistic, make it with your brother. THEN adopt one, two, or 17 children and be annointed a saint.

The Hypocrisy!

Dear Hillary,

Uh, maybe you want to think about taking a page from this woman's twisted biography? Think about it, if America found you fuckable (excuse the vulgarity! - it's okay to be smart and sexy) then they would be on your side. You could sleep with whoever you wished, act all crazy and bipolar, and still retain the admiration of America and US Weekly. So, as you continue along your campaign trail, think: more décolletage and less pantsuit. Maybe give your hair that sort of I just rolled out of bed (with someone who isn't my husband) look and throw in a tattoo or two (preferably something in a foreign language that has to do with the greater meaning of life and suffering).

And you are welcome.

And yes, I am still unemployed.

Elliot sees dead people

2008-02-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

It started a few days ago, we thought he was chasing a fly.
There was no fly.
There were no bugs, no dust, or other random particles floating in the air in our living room.
No he sees dead people. Follows them around, jumps up, and snaps at invisible people.

We Have Arrived!

2008-02-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

This was our vehicle:

Yes, it was very large.
Before we even left the city, I did this:

Oops.
Don't worry I left a note.

NO MORE DAYS !!!! NO MORE DAYS

2008-01-31T10:58:00.000-08:00

last day of work....woohoo!

I eagerly await tomorrow, so I can give myself a warm welcome into the world of unemployment (temporarily, of course).

Peace Out Biatches!

Frappes crack me out

2008-01-30T16:01:00.001-08:00

As I came out of the elevator, sipping on my frappe, I noticed the carpet was moving up and down. Then I realized I was just dizzy, but was it from the frappe or the elevator. Further testing is needed.

In other news, HR just cut me a check for my unused vacation time -- sweet! Does that mean I still have to come to work tomorrow??

Ethical question of the day:
If my regularly scheduled check is direct deposited at midnight tonight, is coming in tomorrow really neccesary? I mean, do I really give a shit? The answer is no.

My Last Wang Call...

2008-01-30T11:34:00.001-08:00

almost brings a tear to my eye. Almost.

She called me today, but I did not have the heart to tell her I was leaving. The truth may have incited panic.

TWO MORE DAYS!!!
I cannot wait until Thursday afternoon - I get my last check - and I am outie 5000.

THREE MORE DAYS...

2008-01-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

of work.
And I am hating it.

Totally and completely. Like I can barely force myself to do anything.

I am being nice enough to help out by calling other people's students and they are going out for coffee! They should be working. Fuck this.

I hate everyone.

star jones KIR

2008-01-24T18:01:00.000-08:00

Not a real fan of Ms. Jones (no relation to my Jenny) but she writes an interesting piece:

Although, I think she is missing the irony that she too is cashing in on Ledger's death, albeit she is "criticizing" the "gossip" she is still perpetuating the story, the momentum by discussing it.

The media is just giving the public what they want to hear: all the morbid, sorted, and hopefully insipid details of some secret drug-addled life of Ledger. Whereas, Star takes the hypocritical high road.

You be the judge:

Click it

Miss Wang Rang A-Gain

2008-01-24T12:46:00.000-08:00

And I got an email from Mr. Jenny Jones!

A day of reuniting with old friends...how special.

Wang has taken to introducing herself lately - as if I could possibly forget her.

Heath Ledger is still dead - reasons inconclusive...Elliot?
Amy Winehouse is in rehab smoking crack
and Britney is still alive, apparently.

My day is about as exciting as milktoast for dinner.

Heath Ledger is DEAD

2008-01-22T14:56:00.001-08:00

no Elliot played no part in his death (that I know of).

Terribly Terrific Tuesday

2008-01-22T11:48:00.001-08:00

It isn't even noon and I've already insulted one person over the phone.

Lyle and Kyle are very similar names...

Hi Kyle...
My name is Lyle!
Ohhhh, right. Lyle.
And I'm already attending another school!

So, that went well.

I guess it could be worse.

If I was Britney Spears, my obituary would have already been written.

a senseless death

2008-01-21T17:33:00.000-08:00

There is one less dunny in the world:

Elliot is not exhibiting any sign of remorse, which concerns me.
We sleep in the same room.

The RePo Lot

2008-01-21T13:37:00.000-08:00

First we have to drive all the way to fucking Fairfield, which last time I checked with in Connecticut. Apparently, there is one amongst the smoke stacks in Nor Cal.

Anywho, I drive into the Auction lot and stop at the little guard shack. A nice-looking man with long-greasy-stringy hair comes out. He looks like a backwoods serial killer from a horror movie.

Hi, I am here to pick up my car.
Nothing
I have an appointment.
He opens his toothless mouth, Then back it up and go in that entrance!
Ok, thanks!

I begin to pull forward as the roadway is narrow and there is an expansive parking lot five feet ahead of me.

I said Back It Up! the man yells at me.
Back it up!

I'm turning around! I yell back.
Just do what he says, Annie whispers.

Fuck him I am not reversing this big ole Jeep blindly into oncoming traffic. So, I do my thing and we park at the next lot.

We wait for about 20 minutes, listening to the Spanish-speakers in front of us. I heard someone say baño, so I pretty much knew what they had really been discussing.

Finally someone helps us, but they won't give us the fucking car.

No sorry, we can't do that.

Wow, thanks for understanding lady. I just spent the last 3 days and $3,000 to have your faded-blue Disney t-shirt and permed hair tell me sorry.

This is what I used to look like with a perm:

Dare I say, my Farrah Fawcett/perm was WAY hotter + the face paint from the county fair adds a little something extra to the ensemble.

Back in Hell...

2008-01-18T12:32:00.000-08:00

Everyone here hates me.

I quit on Monday and called out on Thursday.

Now people are asking if, I'm "feeling better."
Yes, I believe they are mocking me.
I said, "Personal Day!! Personal Day," in my message - I did not lie about being sick. I may have sounded ill because I just woke up, and I may have coughed/choked a little as I hung up. But, I did not say I was ill.

At least I have a 3-day weekend of packing to look forward too!

Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare, trying to pick up the car from wherever it was towed to and paying a $15 fee at the Hall of Justice. What is interesting is how people -- who are either criminals, going to jail, or going to court, or getting mug shots -- all seem to instantly connect.

We were waiting in line to talk to a police guy about towing, and there was a large woman in back of us. It was taking forever, so she sat down. This man with a substantial gut came through the door and she was like, I'm next. All bitchy.

The guy goes, how's your day going.
Within 5 minutes he has her phone number. As she left, she told gut-guy her work hours, so he knew what time to call, blah blah blah.

I looked at her and then him...a hideous, fortuitous pairing.

Outside, a young girl made fast friends with a man reading a pornographic magazine on the steps of the Hall of Justice. She went inside and came out a few minutes later where she recovered several weapons from the gentleman. It looked like a couple of box cutters and maybe a switchblade.

In conclusion, even if criminals have broken the law they still know how to maintain social relationships. I would argue they are even quicker (better?) than the law-abiders.

This is me with my dad on an elephant:
(I told my dad I forgot about that ride. He said, the elephant did not forget.)

My Unstoppable Fashion Sense

2008-01-17T08:59:00.001-08:00

It was even apparent as a young child.
This is me on my first day of school in second grade:

The attention to detail is exquisite. Notice the cuffed ruffled socks. Amazing.
I suppose it's no surprise I went on to write an international bestselling book about fashion.
(See Uninspired Wednesday post for further details)

I took "a personal day" today - that is why I am so joyous!

A Letter for Britney

2008-01-16T14:34:00.001-08:00

In light of recent events I feel I must reach out to my fellow sister, Ms. Spears.

Dearest Brit Brit,

What the fuck is wrong with you? It's not like you just became famous - that was like a decade ago. Get a grip. This sort of craziness will not bring Justin back.

Your mother should have taught you: rich and famous people do not date the paparazzi. In fact, they detest them.

If you want to continue stripping in public, as least get back into shape and for the love of god, wear a decent-looking blonde wig. That is what we all want to see.

You don't really need those two kids back, but you do need to start wearing shoes. And what is this sick obsession with gas stations? The reason people make money is so they never have to do things like go to gas stations or drive.

This is why I am here to guide you.
Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.

Love always,

me :)

The Tide has Turned...

2008-01-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

My angst level has lowered somewhat, now that there is a visible, reachable light emitting from the dark abyss I inhabit.

I have quit my job...I found someone to rent my room...something will go wrong shortly, I am certain and my angst will be renewed and stronger than ever!

Like this morning for example: I was waiting for the bus along with a few other people. One was a normal-looking man, around my age. The bus pulled up in front of me. I let an old lady go ahead of me, because it is in my nature to be kind to the elderly and disabled. Then this man just stepped in front of me! No one else was behind us and the bus wasn't particularly full. Before I knew it, "Oh, why don't you go ahead," escaped my lips.

Lately, I've had a touch of Tourette's. I believe the condition to be serious and an involuntary reaction to obnoxious behavior.

Another example: Annie and I were on the plane heading to SF. Because we are poor, we were forced to sit in coach class along with the commoners. Right after we take off this man in front of me drops his chair back, crushing my beautiful and fragile legs. A "Hey!" once again slips from my lips. "You're crushing me!" I refuse to stand for that sort of random act of violence.

The man turns around.
"She has long legs," Annie offers.

"I have long legs too." Was the best he could come up with.
"Well, you are crushing mine!"

He put his chair back in it's proper place. Things went well for a while. And then he casually leaned back, as if I wouldn't feel the squashing sensation since it happened slowly.

That is why I hate people.
YAY! I feel better now.

My boss just asked me if I knew my nemesis's wife. Apparently she is applying for a job here.
I said yes.
He asked if I would recommend her.
I said no.

****The universe likes me! ****

I will leave you with the ethical question of the day:

Was that wrong of me to take out my vengeful feelings for my nemesis on his wife?

I think not.
The score is far from being settled, but for now let's say:
Me = 1
Nemesis = 0

:)

The Countdown Officially Begins...

2008-01-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

I quit my job today.

Why might you ask?
If you have to ask then you haven't been paying attention!

Forever Awesome Friday

2008-01-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

Mere hours left until my 48 hours of freedom!

I silently rejoice, as the elevator shakes my wall, and my phone continues ringing.

Today I could have fallen asleep sitting up. I guess that's what happens when you go to see the Lovemakers play a super awesome show the night before, and you are no longer in college.

Miss Wang, you rang?

2008-01-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

Oh, there is no getting rid of this woman! Today she thanked me for being helpful and wanted my boss's number so she could tell him how helpful I had been...At the time I was like sure! here you go! Now, I am suspicious.

Today I get to stay late at work and then go home to face the dragon, as well as interview potential roommates!

Uninspired Wednesday

2008-01-09T15:52:00.001-08:00

I am quite certain I am developing that disease/syndrome from too much typing. Or rather from too much IM'ing and mouse-clicking.

Miss Wang was a bit cranky today, which makes the infinite number of conversations we have every day all the more enjoyable.

I should stop typing before I injure myself further...

Oh and this is me on the cover of my new book:

I know it says, "Victoria Beckham," I'm going to talk to someone about changing that.

A man named Jenny Jones

2008-01-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, you heard me right.

The first time I talked to his secretary she said, oh he's in a meeting right now.
Naturally I thought she misheard me, but I didn't correct her.

This morning I get a message from Mr. Jenny Jones?!

I guess my asking a man if his name is Crystal is NOT so ridiculous in retrospect, in fact, it is very open-minded of me.

Miss Wang has only rang about 8 times, but she is planning on calling back this afternoon...something to look forward too.

Miss Wang, you called?

2008-01-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, today she called...it's hard to count how many times since I stopped picking up the phone in the early afternoon.

She is not a student. She has not applied for a program. She has not signed up for any classes.
But, girlfriend has questions.

Can I take this class, she asks.
Do you have these prereq's? I ask.
No, she says.
Then no, I say.
Maybe. Maybe I take class A or B at this school - is it the same? she asks.
I don't know, I don't evaluate transfer credit, that is another department.
But, what if I have class A it the same right?

She wants me to look things up on the internet for her.
Please type in this address, she says, and then www.blahblahblahblah.com/
Then look for this and look for that.
Oh, I cannot do it myself- I'm at work, she says.

The only way to get her off the phone is when "a customer here - I call you back." she hangs up.

Today was especially painful, not only because of that, but I thought for sure it was Tuesday or Wednesday.
But, no it's fucking Monday! WTF? When did that happen.

What a waste of a perfectly good wang.

am I crazy?

2008-01-04T16:41:00.000-08:00

So, I have a walk-in, which is a prospective student interested in attending the school -- she comes in with mom and dad (think Simpsons: Abu's quicky mart family - is that wrong to say?).

I'm like hello, let's go into this weird little room where I'm supposed to direct people and talk about your academic goals.
It starts off weird with them wanting me to use the computer in the room to look at her transcripts.

As if the computer magically holds all transcripts from all schools across our great nation.
The computer does not even work.

Next they want me to outline her schedule - so I ask which program are you interested in: we have A,B, and C.
Oh I want to be a graphic designer.
I say, ok that's great. You know this is a business school, right?
Oh yes, her cousin goes here, she is majoring in Finance, says Dad Abu.

Oh great, great. Are you interested in finance?
The girl replies, I just want to take art classes

Do you have any art classes? the mother asks.
No, we actually only have business-related classes.

What if she wants to be a nurse? the mother asks. Her father is a doctor and her mother a scientist. [Not only does she speak about herself in the 3rd person, but she is wearing like a faded, almost Tye-died but not, sweatshirt with some sort of cartoon character on it and I can't stop staring.]

That's great, I say. But, we don't actually have any sort of pre-med or classes for people who want to be nurses. We just have business classes.

Are you interested in business? the father Abu asks.
I secretly give him a high five -- way to go Dad!
The daughter shakes her head no...she just wants to take art classes.

At this point, I think I might lose it...no one says anything; they just stare at me...waiting.

Then the mother asks, what program should she do, so she can get a good job when she graduates.
A somewhat reasonable question, yet given the circumstances.
Well, I say, [and I have no idea what this girl's name is] she should really choose something that interests her. All of our business courses are designed blah blah blah.

Blank stares. No responses.

The girl is no help. She's said two words: art classes and graphic designer, ok 4 words, the entire time.

Desperate to disentangle myself, I try a new approach. Graphic design is a great field and there are many wonderful art schools in the Bay Area.

Can she get a job doing that? mother asks.
Absolutely, I say.

What schools? the girl asks.
I list a half a dozen options.
What about school A, B, C, or D? she asks.

Well, those are not Art schools - those are Liberal Arts colleges.
What about nursing? her dad asks.
Yes, where should she go to take nursing classes.

This is when it takes all my will power and I concentrate on my chi ... otherwise, I might scream.

I think you should maybe talk to your cousin about our school and then google the various schools in the area.
Here's my card -- if you have any more questions. I stare at the cartoon sweatshirt, but it doesn't move. So, I get up and thank them for stopping by.

25 minutes of my life have been painful extracted -- never to return.
Thank you Abu family. Thank you.

You gotta love craigslist...

2008-01-03T17:52:00.000-08:00

Some interesting individuals/tactics out there.
Here is the flattery/flirty/bad speller route:

I would just like to say to you that your add is the most appealing add I have ever witnessed in my life. I am looking for the next couple months to sublet a place. I just came back from manhattan working at my Best freinds art studio for the summer. I would definatley love to take a look. I have the money..... all I need is a look. Maybe we could get some coffee or something delicious and have a chat. I totally look forword to your reply. If not ..Live a free and wonderfull life and thanks anyway.

Thanks
N____ (I'll preserve their anonymity)

Man, Woman, or perhaps a being from a higher realm:

My name is Moonsong (not your average 'Joe') and Im interested in renting your space.

A little about me.... Ive worked in the alternative health field for over 15 years as a healer and counselor.{...} For some people Im too 'deep' but I prefer that rather than being shallow.

Basically, Im a very self-aware and self-reliant peaceful person who enjoys and appreciates a clean and quiet home.

Thanks!
Moonsong

At least one responder has either slept with and/or dated Annie...luckily she shows me most of her emails...or there could have been a very hilarious (for me), awkward (for her) encounter.

This person emailed me 3 times in the last 2 hours (the same email):

Hello,
I am a guy from italy(exchange student).I'm from Florence.
I am 23 years old.
I am looking for a bedroom in SF.
I would like to move on Jenuary for a month.
Is there internet?
Are the utilities included?
Is the bedroom furnished?
Are you student or worker?

Thank you,Simone

I think this person just wanted a friend, or at least some understanding:

Hi,

I saw your post on Craigslist and I'm interested on it. I'm an international student {...} I'm about to graduate in March. I need a place firstly till the end of march. Why? Becuase this is the time I'll be here for sure. If I get a job around here, yes, I'll stay longer here.

What can I say about me? I'm organized, very clean and responsable person. I'll spend most of my time at school, because it demands. Not for the classes, but the work I have to do: advertising. It's a tough job. I have a friend who is about to get divorced, a 7yrs relationship. How come? Her husband doesn't understand our routine.

I know you need someone for a year. Couldn't we work out on it?

Thanks, L ___

I liked this person the best:

Hello,
I am writing to inquire about your posting. I am a 30 year old free-lance stage manager. I'm shamefully sarcastic and can be on top of my wit should I be provoked :) I'm not a big drinker (I'm diabetic - so it's light and infrequent) I'm health conscious, I love to exercise, I'm a vegitarian but not for any weird reasons and being around meat doesn't bother me, dependable, laid back, clean - but not obsessive... responsible, outgoing (this is starting to sound like a personal ad). I am a smoker (so health conscious just got lowered about 2 points) , however, I NEVER smoke indoors.

But of course, she wanted to move in in March.

And then there is these people:

I am a 24 year old female admin assistant. I am very interested. call me at 415-***-1234. Thanks

When I asked specific questions...Oh, well.

Time for me to bounce.

Today isn't Monday!!!

2008-01-02T20:06:00.000-08:00

because all day I thought it was...what an amazing discovery.

I think I made about 45 phone calls today -- so exciting.

Last Day...Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

2007-12-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

Longest week ever.

This morning I almost lost a finger at the dog park - don't worry it is still attached with a strawberry shortcake band-aid. It is a miracle I am even able to type through the shooting pain...

I had to reprimand cat lady for not actually doing something she explicitly told me she completed on Tuesday. I expected more from her.

My boss is Jewish, which would explain why our office is the only one not decorated and why there is no holiday cheer to be heard or seen. That may mean we're not getting out early. Crap.

I can only imagine the fun/joy/horror that awaits me when I arrive home for the holidays...yippie!

Batman

2007-12-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

So, this is not the "Batman" I met on the 6 last night. That self-proclaimed batman identified himself after he recognized that superwoman was sitting next to him. Apparently, she did not want her cover blown, so she moved to the back of the bus. This didn't faze batman. He sang a few verses of Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones, as well as an interesting version of Maggie May.

This is from my photo archive circa 2006:

Why I should just never open my mouth...

2007-12-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

I realize sometimes there are language barriers -- this is normal, natural, especially in SF...But, if you are talking to someone who is veteran, that would imply some degree of assimilation on their part. And I may sound like many things, but a "Steven" - bitch, please! Take the shrapnel out of your head.

I just attended someone's retirement lunch...I didn't know her but it was a good opportunity for a free lunch. She also told a boring, slightly racist story that ended with a scream, "Fire that MotherFucker!"

I sat with the cat lady and an older gentleman I insulted in the sandwich line.

We were talking about holiday plans, he mentioned he was taking an extra week off because his children were around...

I said, "Oh, how many grandchildren do you have?"
He looked at me.
I smiled.
He said, "I don't have any grandchildren. My children are 11 and 7."
I said, "Oooo."

In my mortification, I grabbed a vegetarian meat-less-loaf sandwich on seeded bread -- gag. Then I had to sit next to him and the cat lady - most of her lunch ended up on her top, as she regaled us with various kitty/cat tales.

One more day of glory awaits...

Accidental Dialing + Purchasing...

2007-12-19T11:55:00.000-08:00

Luckily the person (Elliot) did not pick up. Oops.

My bifocals must not be working! Time to take a break + eat some pb&j.

I discovered this afternoon, I unwittingly purchased an item (at considerable cost) from the most prodigious participants in one of more the significant literary frauds of the 21st century.

If I delve any further I may ruin Christmas, and we wouldn't want that.
But, I feel slightly used and a little dirty from that interaction.

Apparently I am still dialing 911

2007-12-18T10:13:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is true.

The #1 on my phone sticks and it kept dialing 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 - and it wouldn't let me hang up. Pretty soon they are just going to come here and take me away...

I just returned from a meeting where an older woman, who resembled cold poultry, threatened my life and the lives of everyone in the room - if we dared click on something in some database. I wish I remembered exactly what button that was, but the only thing I recall is the wobbling wattle, that is still burned into my poor retinas.

This certainly will not help with the esotropia.

This is how Awesome I am:

2007-12-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

It's Monday morning, I'm making phone calls:
Hi, is this blahblahblah?
Yes...
This is me me me here at blah blah blah

Over and over, broken record style.

Call number infinity, a man answers.

I say: Hi, is this Crystal?
Huh?

I heard his voice and Crystal is not exactly a unisex name like Pat or Chris or even Randy.

I am totally losing it.

Freaky Friday

2007-12-14T15:13:00.000-08:00

There's nothing particularly freaky about today, but it's a great movie.

Viva la lohan!

What is worse than forcing people immobile in front of a computer screen?
Making them all share a bathroom.
Today I had a waiter-outer seated in the stall next to me.
She was a double-flusher too.
Eventually she won. I lost.
Well, no one really wins at that game - do they?

Tonight we going out to celebrate a certain someone's husband completion of his last college class! I guess we should celebrate; ten years in college is quite an accomplishment. The most I could squeeze out of my dad was 5 years.

This frappe is cracking me out a little bit.

3.30 is late enough to stay at work on a Friday.

This is what I get...

2007-12-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

now today I don't feel well! Is it because I lied about being sick yesterday, or am I really ill, or is it a somatic guilt-triggered response?

We may never know.

BTW, I read an interesting article titled: Why Pregnant Women Don’t Tip Over.
It's like the NY times is reading my mind and I got all the answers I was searching for.

Wonderful Wednesday!

2007-12-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

I decided not to go to work today and it was amazing!

There was no guilt involved.

Just joy.

Further down the rabbit hole...

2007-12-11T11:44:00.000-08:00

9 more work days left until vacation...will I make it?
One never knows.

I completed all my tasks before 11am -- now what?

My day is like a John Cage composition: the elevator dings, starts and stops, my fingers tip, tap on the keyboard, an occasional cough, or laughter -- but otherwise silence.

My hands are still blue from yesterday's pen explosion.

My office is a clever vortex, which soundlessly sucks my soul into its depths.

As the photo restoration continues:
Here is me before my unforgettable Nutcracker performance:

Oh Happy Monday...

2007-12-10T16:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't showered, barely slept, and generally feel like poo.

This time Southwest's communist ways worked to my advantage...I sat in "first class" again, even though I was in group B 19 -- as opposed to A 4. The flight attendant, who I think might have had a fake leg or two, gave me such a hard time about my beautiful travel bag. It can't be under your seat - has to be in the overhead bins...blah blah blah. I let her find a spot for it.

The thin, smartly-folded navy blanket provided to me by fake leg(s) stewardess, did little to keep the chill out. I could not sleep in my frozen state. I decided to use the lavatory, but some short-haired hussie beat me to it. Much to my surprise, water began seeping out from under the lavatory door. First a stream, and then a puddle. Fake leg(s) and other lady attendant (who liked my boots) were very perplexed by the accumulating pool. Smartly they put on their rubber gloves. I lost interest at this point, my brain frozen and slowed.

I went out to lunch with Annie, who after being treated to a fine slice of pizza was kind enough to visit my "ghetto, oh it's not cardboard" office. As the door shut, she fell on the floor laughing and left some inspirational words of the day on my dry erase board:
Beriod
Deep
Duh
Shoes

Time to reflect. Only 26 minutes before I once again am made whole.

Fact or fiction:

2007-12-09T18:51:00.000-08:00

The CIA, not Budweiser, has a stronghold on Sea World.

Fact.

You are required to give a finger scan in order to enter the park...WTF?! Um, huh...doesn't that seem a little strange to anyone? A fingerprint scanner at Sea World San Diego? Got a lot of terrorists in town to watch the Shamu show? I mean the park is pretty pathetic compared to the one in Florida and there is one puny roller coaster.

Next time you want to take little Osama and Muhammad for a fun (and educational) day at the park, just know Big Brother is watching you.

Southwest Airlines is run by Communists.

2007-12-08T12:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know what else to say.

what's worse than working 9 to 5...

2007-12-07T11:12:00.000-08:00

Uh, nothing. Oh wait, working 9 to 6.30 on a Friday -- that's what. Well, technically I didn't get to work until almost 10, but who is counting the minutes?

I am soooooooooo excited to be flying 'business select' this evening -- I get to board first! Woohoo. I'm so rich: I eat pb&j sandwiches everyday on white bread.

Who doesn't have an answering machine these days? What do you think is an acceptable number of rings before hanging up? 7? 8? 10? I'm guessing if you can get there by 5 -it just wasn't meant to be. How is it again that I have to call and speak to people for my job - it's horrifying.

I'm ready to go home now + then come see you!!

One more day...

2007-12-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

Am I supposed to find multiple pictures of people's wrinkly, blotchy, reddish, cross-eyed babies in different ill-fitting outfits, gaping, drooling mouths all up on my computer screen adorable?
Or can I be irritated these types of emails are plugging up my inbox and feel superior for being childless, but a proponent of canine companionship (I am not without a heart)?
Too Late! I already do.

Just because 97% of the people I went to high school with cannot think of anything better to do with their lives than get married, procreate, and live a meaningless, exhausting, and banal existence in their plus-size bodies does not mean I have to embrace their poor life, middle-American, choices.

Gosh, I just can't wait to go home for the holidays! Oh what fun it is to -- lalala

*Note to self: Stop cutting own hair*
My head looks like a square, no more oblong, rectangular maybe -- something must have gone wrong the last time I decided to snip, snip in the bathroom mirror because I was bored.

Beyond the Looking Glass...

2007-12-05T12:59:00.000-08:00

Further into the photo restoration project a seemingly innocuous photo is emailed to me to serve as a gleeful memento of my childhood, as well as a perhaps subconscious effort to elicit nostalgia for the forthcoming venture home for the holidays.
Coincidentally, this photograph uncovers an elusive truth and confirms my original suspicions of the esotropia...
Please see evidence below:

Click to enlarge the photo and scroll to the cross-eyed eyes.

Beneath the holiday red is a girl whose dismal future is obstructed, blinded by the violent glare emitted in her inescapable habitat. The damage done here will reverberate throughout her life; and decades later as she pushes the red reading glasses back up the slender slope of her nose, she emits a sigh in acknowledgement to all that is lost.

Today is an already melted ice cream cone.

Trickery

2007-12-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

This is how it happened...
Phone is picked up.
Silence.
Hello? I ask.
hello? someone responses.
Hi, This is Stepha--
HELLO! Is anyone there?
Hi, can you hear me?
You're STUPID! Your talking to a machine. hahahahaha

This is the second time this brat has tricked me!

My new "reading glasses" are making me dizzy + don't seem to work. And the eye doctor lost my contacts...

It is also raining out. I got several hundred new business cards this morning! WOOHOO! Too bad I never leave my office or interact with the rest of the free world.

Elliot is suspicious:

The Countdown Begins...

2007-12-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

I found the answer to a question that I know has probably been bothering you. "San" is Spanish for saint -- it's the masculine term and "Santa" is the female saint. (Which was what I originally thought.)

How ironic, sad, tragic is it that my aptitude test revealed I have ZERO% interest/aptitude for working in education -- and I work in education! My laughter has quickly turned to tears.

I wonder what kind of turtle neck Annie is wearing today...to hide the relics of her Friday night. Good thing it is unseasonably cold out.

I am wearing a pink shirt and black sweater, because it was the closest item of clothing in my shrinking closet.

4 more days!!

This is me with a bat:

Ameliorating my Exiguous Existence...

2007-11-30T13:34:00.000-08:00

...by a postprandial nap.

I'm using my Words of the Day to make a fun sentence -- that is also relevant to the daily struggle of my oppressive reality!

Today is Friday but strangely my existential crisis still blows through my brain. All done with my duties, but four and a half more hours chained to a desk, a chair, and a fallible notion that this is humane treatment for my permeable soul.

On my ribcage I have what some have described (Annie) as a two-fanged spider bite. Do spiders have fangs? YUCK! Do not google that question...very bad idea. Happy thoughts...

Thursday's Endless Ennui

2007-11-29T12:18:00.001-08:00

It is a toss-up, which is more excruciating: the sound of my unenthusiastic voice blathering away or the cacophony, that bounces off the chipped and stained walls of my hovel, from the elevator that is seemingly directly attached to my own personal hell...

My office is a dead fish.

staticky hair

2007-11-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

My bangs are sticking to my face.

Work is boring.

32 minutes to go.

I stayed up late last night watching A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila episodes on MTV -- they were totally worth today's exhaustion. I want her to pick Dani! Pick Dani!

Other exciting things today: rode the bus to work, ate a turkey sandwich at my desk, and realized that I really have no idea what I'm talking about when I call people. But, I'm ok with it.

In the bathroom, I noticed (after the fact) that I touched my eye before washing my hands. This is so thrilling I'm falling asleep at the keyboard. Oh! I almost forgot I got a fax this morning. It was supposed to go down to the first floor to be evaluated...but the mood to move hasn't really struck me yet. Maybe I'll take an adventure on the elevator tomorrow.

I'm going to focus on something in the distance -- for my cross-eyed PT.